It still rains, and rains, and rains...
It has been raining for about a week now. As much as I love the rain, this is starting to drive me insane. The weather cooled off after a series of rainy days, so I'm not complaining about that part, but I am ready for some hot, sweaty, sunny days again...
Well, what can I say.. aren't we all greedy? haiz....
From where I'm sitting now, the whole view looks sad and depressing. I had to literally fight myself out of bed this morning to get ready for work. I'd sworn to never work the 8 a.m. shift ever again after almost 2 years battling with the morning wake-up dilemma, yet I can't seem to quite escape it @__@
Graduate school is slowly getting better. I could maintain my concentration for the whole class period and eventually understand some of the materials without feeling super dumb, lost, and wanting to give up. Yesterday was, indeed, the first day in the last 3 weeks that I could walk out of my class with a positive attitude. Another weekend is here, and I am ready to indulge myself with one precious evening doing absolutely nothing. Deadlines for research proposals are approaching, and I still haven't figured out what I want to do just yet, so I guess I shouldn't be enjoying myself too much, or else the cycle of madness will continue.
Had a good catch-up lunch yesterday with AC. Something kills me inside looking at him struggling so hard to let his feelings go and trying to patch up his terribly scarred heart. I wanted to be there in all possible ways for him, yet it's hard for me to put myself out there. I see him and I see a part of my past. I could feel my pain all over again. We talked a lot over lunch about the "what if" scenarios, and I have to admit those were some of the questions that I did ask myself during my coping period. But, I am done with "what ifs". I am done with reminiscing, thinking, and missing. I am thankful that I had all the support I need in order to move past a traumatic period of my life. I assured him things would eventually be okay, that he would be healed by somebody magical (just like I was), and that he would find an answer for all the questions he posed along the way.
To recover and heal from a broken heart seems to be an insurmountable obstacle and a dreadful never-ending process. Sometimes I can't comprehend how people could learn to forgive, forget, and move on all at ease because it was one heck of a long, way too long, battle for me. What is it about the "ex" factor that could turn our world upside down?
At the end of the day, I want to have the simple joy of belonging to my one and only beloved, that I could wake up and go to bed with the same person in whose eyes and whispering voice I could just melt away. I want to feel loved and give love every second, every minute, every day.
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